*Wrote this yesterday when I was incredibly bothered
The truth about niceness… isn’t so nice.
Ever been told, “you’re too nice for your own good”? Well ‘nice’ is the wrong word. Everyone can be nice. In fact, almost everybody rests on being their default nice selves—polite and pleasing. Rarely is anyone ever kind, loving, brave, and every other nicer thing convoluted into deed after deed of big and small efforts, taken for granted and rejected more often than not. It’s both the easiest thing and sometimes the hardest thing to be what you become on the bad days. Kindness is naiveness. Loving is self seeking. Brave is stupid. On good days, you feel on top of the world or rather out to save it, change it. On the worst ones, there’s no belonging in a place like this.
“You’ve put your faith in the wrong people, Aidee,” they say. Wrong people, huh? But who are the right ones then? It’s silly to think someone becomes a wrong person just because they’ve disappointed and they hurt. Can’t help but to wonder, when do they become the right people for the lucky select few they’ll ever be their best selves to? No one is at fault. People are neither wrong nor right, not even for you simply because everyone’s just trying to be a person. And some might have it worse when they’re wired to think that because it already is hard enough to be a person in a world like this one, “the least I could do is be something else to them.”
I am the way I am, in the same manner that everyone is the way we each are, whether it’s kind, nice, mean, cold… We’re still a little bit of everything in the spectrum of possibilities we choose to be. And right now I’m just a little hurt, a little jaded, but no matter how much I’m tempted to give up because it’s the easy way around, I just am.
“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
―Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet