Molecular Sea

*Today’s word play brought to you by home made affogato-induced palpitations, James McMurtry on loop, during a 15 minute break from productivity

Inside my biological makeup of lucidities
And freeflowing what’s the matter
Amassed chubbiness and cheekiness
Spills of Bene-tinted blush
Some blood I hoped you’d never see bleed
Circulating chapters of conceptual nonsense in digestion
Matters of the heart I’d like to leave be
Stored particles which had been left to me
Along naturally lit spaces that map out
Thread counts of comforters and morning blues
Of arbitrary interim homes to miss
There are currents of caffeine and imbalanced chemicals
That tug and thwart me against my untamed wind
To the many opposites of a tumultuous sea
Like up and down; east and west
Right and wrong; pride and want
All and/or what seems like nothing
Fight or flight to flee
Right brain and leftist sympathies
Intellect sans a segment of my soul pinned to a thread
Convention and Alice-type-too-muchiness
This tropical garden; aย distant snowcapped moutain
Outward and inward; to you and more of me
I’ve laid out some glass jars to catch some rainwater
That just might mend me staggering into second place peace

molecularsea

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Temporary

*More than a week ago, I got my annual henna during my school’s University Week. And for a bargain price, this is as neat as it’s gonna get. Sorry these are Snapchat pictures obviously haha. Try not to mind my annoying stickers and doodles. They’ve lasted longer than expected, thankfully faded into a purple gray instead of that murky golden brown, and now they’re maybe just two days away from completely fading.ย 

I’ve always wanted a tattoo or a couple. My brother has a few larger ones he had done pretty early on. I know some people who just went ahead and got one even on promotion but I guess I’m not quite there yet. A lifetime commitment like that makes me a little nervous and no doubt indecisive about what to get and where I’ll have it. I especially have to be sure of my reasons. “No ragrets,” right?

While I take my time contemplating what to get and where I’ll have it placed, I might just jot it all down in a journal I intend to begin soon. Might be good for me to do some writing away from a type pad or keyboard. Whatever it’ll be, I know it’ll be black, minimal, small and I mean really small, clean, and nothing quite as tumblr-girl looking as these hennas I had done. This’ll be a long time from now.

I did get these symbols in particular this year for y’know personal reasons even if they were just henna. In previous years I had some large stars on my back and a badly done Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man on my arm. Bad choice of placement on my part, I admit I kinda just wanted to see how good these henna artists could get without stencils.

This year my under 30-minute wait along the row of tents in the school bazaar was quite the interesting wait. I met some friendly characters, I guess that happens more when you’re alone, and for the ones I never had exchanges with, I had an open curiosity to see what they wanted temporarily inked on them. “Inked,” like the real deal but not. I may have chosen the same henna guy I did some two years ago too. He was very polite and I still think one of the better ones that joins every year seeing as I’ve tried others.

I had the planets or the linear universe done just cause there was extra time before I rushed to class which I would later find out was free cut. There was extra ink and I thought it looked cool. I had it done last among the four and I had to talk him into each round he drew because we had no design for it. It’s just something I’ve seen time and again online. Never the best reasons but for something temporary, why not? I always had a fascination with astronomy and getting a cute alien would’ve been too grunge-y.

Last week like some weeks really, I felt the Universe was absolutely bigger than me as oppose to being more one with it. It really is anyway but in a sense I was reminded I was just a speck in it. Humbling to know it had bigger things in store for itself and the rest of the world. But I do think there’s so much more to the world than things working out for me cause it isn’t about me in the first place. It never is. If things were to go good for me though then I’d be at the very least already blessed to have a shot at experiencing more than a speck of what the world has to offer even in ways I don’t expect. It’s going to be okay. Always is.

Two blogs and four trillion years ago… I was very fascinated with snowflakes, star-shaped ones in particular. I have to add that this was not the kinda snowflake I wanted. I showed him a neater, simpler design but as it was on my back and the henna dude had a mind of his own, this is what he came up with and I only saw it after my friends took a picture. What is that bedazzle he insisted on adding for some extra bling?

It’s been years since and still haven’t seen or experienced a snow fall? But I think for poetic reasons and the kid who’ll always adore Jack Frost from the 90s, I will never let the imagery of a snowflake go. I might even consider having a sort of it tattooed. There’s just something about it. Snowflakes are unique and you can’t really see them unless under the right weather conditions. You probably have to have a special lens to capture them too. They’re unique. They fall. They melt. And they’re fleeting. I had it done for when I fell for the irreplaceable people I had fleeting moments with, and for the little spark of special I can only hope to be because nothing lasts. Life is precious like that. Who wouldn’t want to keep a piece of Christmas all year round? It’s always fall and winter somewhere else.

This is the Reiki symbol for healing. I’m not well researched with this and if I’ll consider having this done surely a lot smaller as a tattoo, I’m definitely going to be doing more reading into healing symbols. But I can’t be all about the symbols and none of it in real life.

I was never the type to talk about healing. I think with a default existentialist attitude I was always more of the I got better, got over it, moved on, grew more, I don’t care-type? I thought the word, heal may have been weak or synonymous to accepting pain and weakness, perhaps that’s why I didn’t like using it. I guess though I’m at that point wherein it’s no longer in my best interest to pretend nothing ever left me a little ouchie after all these years. I’m no longer trying to be a winner all the time. I’m trying to heal and grow. I can be my worst enemy too so I accept that I need to do what I can to heal so I can grow. Almost appropriately people who wear this symbol become healers themselves. I only know from the news but there’s no doubt that the world is hurting more and more each day. Try to be kinder to yourself and to everyone you encounter.

Fly. Ironically, I don’t think I’ll ever have a tattoo of a word or a quote whether in English, Chinese, French, or indecipherable code. I spend so much of my time writing already and as I will continue to encounter words mundane and even close to perfect, I couldn’t find anything so special to tattoo on my body. I wouldn’t know what typography I’d like on me too, there’s just too many and so far nothing has ever called out to me. I’m not crazy about typography perhaps. Symbols or imagery are better personally because they stand for something in particular but they’re also open to interpretation. Words are limited by their very definitions. But if ever I do get one, I might laugh about this entire paragraph disclaimer then you’ll just have to see it on my skin. If I did have the word fly tattooed on me it wouldn’t be in this kind of script. Guess this was all for effect. Much as I hate that it looks so tumblr-like, a paper plane is still a good symbol for flight and it’s mine even here in my blog.

It’ll always mean courage to me.

From 35000ft up

*Some notes I wrote after watching two movies during the 14hr flight then dozed off miraculously in a blanket that I really liked and smuggled w me ๐Ÿ˜…

Youngsters helping out elders but complete strangers of different races and nationalities in flight give me a whole lot of hope. Small acts of kindness do have potential of going a long way. 

35000 feet on the air and I can still feel so down at times. It can hurt me even from up here, even when I close my eyes. 

I hope to fly to where we used to be and where we used to say we’d go. As I travel against daylight until I’m 15hours behind you, I just wanted to say goodnight ๐Ÿพ

Cold showers

Summer began
with the heat of ending conversations,
from the fiction of your push and my pull,
andย the way some of those words burnt me,
and it hurt.

Summer began
with lasting cold shoulders,
the only kind of cold that ever bothered me,
and how I sit under each cold shower,
waiting for artificialย rainwater
to take me away.

tub

was gonna use a real photo I had but it’s in my laptop

A piece of vandalism โ˜ฎ

 *I’m not huge on politics but I wish I knew more and I’d like to do my own part as a citizen not only of my country but the world. It’ll be my first time to vote this May and although I still don’t know who I’m going to vote for, I do know that every person counts. This goes past elections. A government is important but no government can fix us when we refuse to fix us. With all the crazy bad natural and unnatural tragedies going on and will be going on, in here and the world, this is my piece. I also watched Bb. Pilipinas last night and contrary to popular protest, I’m actually real happy my bet won. Yay Maxine Medina, she’s lovely! ๐Ÿ‘‘ In a far away munchkin land, I might join a pageant and say something along these lines… ๐Ÿ˜›๐Ÿค“

Found this written in permanent marker in an alley in Singapore, ironically but fittingly a country that considers even the tiniest acts of vandalism unlawful. Still a minimal yet relevant piece of vandalism. I’ve come across a number of (legal) street art in Singapore meant to promote their culture and lineage, usually portraits of old Singapore. This came as a surprise find on a perfectly crisp white building which I had already been excited about for the usual photo op.

But this familiar quote isn’t meant to empower our indifference or sense of entitlement. Anyone could easily feel so empowered, fueled by anger towards certain systems we’re bounded by just to start a revolution of some sort. People in large numbers especially tend to get swept away by the spirit of battle, they tend to forget what they’re fighting for in the first place. And how fights can go. There is a time and a place for fights, and more importantly action doesn’t always have to be synonymous to speed typing on comment sections of social media platforms and walking hand in hand with clenched fists on the road. ๐Ÿ‘Š

Uncle Ben was on to something; with great power does come responsibility. Only we are responsible for what happens to ourselves and our world. No government or god or people we project god-like qualities to can save us. Only we can save ourselves. When heroes disappoint and they have precisely because more often than not, human beings aren’t meant to be put on pedestals, much less things we cannot see. We become our own heroes. We ought to stop waiting on each other.

Whether it’s politics, education, human rights, safer streets, world hunger, or saving the environment (heck we should all save the environment๐ŸŒฟ๐ŸŒณ), just stand for something. Action may just mean putting one foot on the ground and turning the other way around. Clenched fists aren’t the only way to fight for something but with open palms and outstretched arms for more. Stand for something, online and in real life by your own means. 

Not caring is not cool. In a generation where we’ve all hurt each other and taught one another that not caring is ultimately the better and undoubtedly cooler way to go, we’re coming close to functioning like robots that operate on instinct and very little of heart. ๐Ÿค– Dig deep down and we all weep a little for the things that we have to admit are also bigger than us. I have days when I convince myself it’s better not to care, that way I won’t get hurt or be left disappointed. But these are times we ought to grow up to face the reality that we live in a breaking world that wasn’t always this way. It could be another way. Let’s grow up with child-like innocence and love once again as children of the earth.๐Ÿ‘ถ๐ŸŒŽ๐Ÿ’“ It’s okay to care, I think we all do.โœŒโ˜ฎ

Baby blue, caffeine-infused

*I haven’t had much junk in my system the last few weeks, not too sure why. I’ve been avoiding coffee and tea on purpose however. The last time I drank some English breakfast tea if you read the post below, and it wasn’t even so long ago haha just this week, it really really came back toย biteย me. I feel I don’t need the caffeine anyway, even if I love the taste and aroma so much. My brother told me although it’s good for the heart, it’s healthy, it’s a stimulant, so it’s also quite responsible for mood swings. I’ve been moody prior to learning how to drink coffee or tea though but I do believe it’s still a substance and I don’t react well to substances. I think it makes me a little more erratic and impulsive. Physically, I tend to get palpitations especially when I’m not in a good place. Like now. It also keeps me up and these days I don’t want to be kept up. If it isn’t school work keeping me up, I have enough in my mind to do that for me. But today, after not having eaten good-proper meals over the last two weeks, my mom decided to take me to an afternoon high tea place cause I usually love those, and we bumped into some other ladies. To keepย me a little busy in the midst of their 4-hour conversation, I had myself more than the usual amount of caffeine that any one person would order for leisure. So much for skipping out. And boy do I feel weird. So here’s another crappy poem I’m not proud of.


Caffeine makes a heart break a little faster and a little slower.
Sheย thought she was carrying a near broken heart tucked underneath a baby blue dress that gleamed of summer love.
It was heavy.
There were sharp edges in the walls that surrounded it for protection that did come back to hit her hard.
It sunk.
And in an attempt to carry on as normally as possible, she took casual sips from the good things in life. Tea cups of cheer-me-ups.
But then her insides drowned further in a creamy brown.
It caused her injured heart to toss and tumble throughout the rest of the day, like she did all night and all morning in bed.
“Would you like another round of impulse and regret?”
“What about a warm cup of anxiety this time? To keep you up with all your worst nightmares coming true with your eyes wide open.”
Fruity notes of Earl Grey watered the wounds she blames herself for.
A latte left to get cold never burned so much.
She looks out the car window, finds herself at home glancing past the bedroom window this time, wondering about time yet again.
It’s going too slow and all the more too fast.
She fumbles to crack open a bottle of water for a change.
Mineral water has never left such a bitter taste in her mouth.
It’s never been this hard to drink down.
She’s filled with water and caffeine in her system, spinning in hopelessness, humbly disguised in her baby blue dress which she’s just taken off because it doesn’t help.

breakinfused

when ya still want sadness to look pretty anyway

Bed over troubled water

*Must’ve written this 4 days ago according to the draft details… But it applies to each of my mornings the last week or two, still.ย 

A moment of judgmental shame for my new found passive aggression towards sleep.
I don’t want to sleep because in the silence of everything, little monsters come out to play. If I do fall asleep, don’t wake me up because waking up to real life can be just as daunting.

afloat

deep waters scare me, they make me feel uneasy so you get my “drift”