“Some days you just have to create your own sunshine,” is a pretty common quote and though it’s one of those motivational quotes that gleam with positivity, sometimes I can’t help but feel differently about it.
I’ve been called a ball of sunshine a number of times and it still surprises me but hey, maybe a part of it’s true. Maybe I’ve given some people that impression of me. And there’s nothing wrong with being a little walking lightbulb cause that only means you’re spreading some good in the world. And the world needs good. It’s a nice thing to hear. It’s nice to know you’ve somewhat brightened up someone’s day, but there’s more to life than pursuing good.
Some days you won’t have it all together. Chasing after sunshine burns a little.
Mornings you wake up with good hair and better skin are on the weekends you don’t see anybody. Nope, you can’t make the perfect sandwich without the jelly or tuna spread messily dripping down the sides. You couldn’t write the pile of papers that are still waiting to be magically typed up because you succumbed to watching sappy popcorn movies all night. You’ve been in a room with acquaintances, friends, or even a family of strangers and feel all alone. Your body isn’t getting any thinner because you felt you needed to conjure up a cold pink glass of strawberry milk because you’ve justified your fairly mediocre day. You won’t always make others happy and sometimes no amount of words of wisdom and perspectives will make you feel better. The pangs of worrying about the future because you’re twenty-something and “nowhere” creep up in between school and mindless internet surfing. And every other day has never turned out the way you pictured it to be and if anything, as expected it’s closer to dull than it is to being one-for-the-books.
Some days you just don’t have it all together. However, I’m starting to think that I won’t have it all together everyday anymore, and it’s going to be okay.
Balls of sunshine do burn out. But cloudy days and rainy nights have their own beauty.
The dark lines underneath your eyes tell of the all-nighters you pulled, the tears you cried because you were honest and stupid enough to love that much, and every breathtaking sunrise you stayed awake long enough to catch glimpses of. You sought comfort in that jar of cookies and enjoyed every bit of it. And rom coms with a bag of Cheetos are pleasures you don’t have to be guilty about. You may not always be with perfect company, yet you’re surrounded by beautiful places that give you an overwhelming knowledge you’ll be elsewhere in three years or so. You realize you don’t have to have it all figured out at twenty-something, maybe you never will, but you’ll be okay. You can wear sweatshirts and not worry about your hair. You can take those extra fifteen minutes to snuggle up under the sheets because it’s okay to be tired. And the uneven curve of your smile no matter how much you hate it, is still your smile. You’ve shared it and that’s all the good the world has ever needed from you. You don’t have to demand so much of yourself.
More than anything, I hope you know that perfection is an illusion and even when you feel ugly
or like a complete mess, that feeling isn’t your truth. When your stretch of days go bad, remember that these aren’t the defining moments of your life, but just little parts of it. These are the days you realize just what you’re made of.
You are made of sunshine, but you can also be the rain. If that’s what you need to be. If that’s what you want to be.
There are some people who love the rain, too.